Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix: A Retard’s Review

23 07 2007

What do some Europeans think of Pinoys?  My London immigrant ex-classmate in law school Ross [who broke my bespren’s heart for a bigger foreynjer dick] was told, “You’re english is awkward and phoney”.  Don’t worry Europeans, the feeling is mutual.  We hate listening to you either.   Nung nanood nga ako ng Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, di ko maintindihan ‘yung mga last lines para tuloy akong nagpi-fill in the blanks sa mga dialogues [excuse my being a retard].  Heto ang mga linyang di pumasa sa aking very discriminating sense of hearing: 

Lord Voldemort:  You are weak Hari Potah… [nakng potah ka din, bakit ba kelangan mong magmura?] 

Ron:  Wash your problem Harry?  Wash your problem!?  [sige nga ikusot mo nga] 

Dolores Umbridge:  Harry, you know deep down yourself, you deserve to be [garbled enunciation]…[ah… you deserve to be an honor student? A wakokok? Ewan.  Sana nilagyan na lang ng print dialogue sa baba] 

Marami pang iba siyempre.  Ngayon lang kasi ako nanood ng seryosohan.  Previous Harry Potter movies, naglalambutsingan lang kami ni BebeKo sa sinehan kasama ang kunsintidor kong brader-in-law [”Sige mag-kiss lang kayo, di ko kayo isusumbong”]  Hehe.  Manonood sana talaga kaming dalawa ni BebeKo as I understood it, kaso nung nasa Alabang na, nagdalawang isip di daw niya dala ’yung kumot niya.  Hala naku, pede ko naman siyang painitin sa sine.  Naka-jacket po kasi ako.  Hehe.. 

Naexcite ako masyado dun sa chant na pampatilapon ng kalaban.  Sinusubukan ko nga sa boss kong si Gardo pag tumatalikod gamit ko ang signing pen. 

Me:  Stupefy! 

Boss: [sabay lingon]  Ginagawa mo? 

Me:  Bos, practice lang ng fencing.  Hehe. 

The Order of the Phoenix is the fifth installment of the Harry Potter series which grossed about $44.8M in the opening day, the best single-day gross for a movie.  The Order of the Phoenix shows the powerplay between Dumbledore and the Wizard authorities over the looming return of Lord Voldemort.  As the bureaucrats slowly seizes power over the Hogwarts school, Dumbledore has the group ‘Order of the Phoenix’ behind him plus the student army formed by Harry Potter.   

Ober all, lumabas kami ng mga opismeyts kong ’di gaanong satisfied.  Nabangga ko pa tuloy ’yung artistang si Ryan Agoncillo sa Greenbelt3.  Buti na lang mas malaki ako kaya di umangal.   

Pansin ko, sumasabay na din sa galing ng Pinoy movies ang mga banyaga.  The usual ending in a Pinoy movie where authorities are 5 minutes late in the scene, ganung-ganun din sa Harry Potter.  Nagsidatingan ang mga miyembro ng Order of the Phoenix nung patapos na ang ‘battle royale’ nina Harry Potter, Dumbledore vs Lord Voldemort.  Sarap ngang bigyan ng ‘Dumating Pa Kayo’ Award ‘tong mga order of the penixes na ‘to.  Pero siyempre kung pinulbos na nila si Voldemort, ‘ala nang Harry Potter 6 and 7.  Hehe…The Half-Blood Prince film is scheduled to be shown on November 21, 2008 and the Deathly Hallows in 2009.


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Transformers: There’s More Than Meets The Eye

9 07 2007

Choosing between watching a friend’s impeccable portrayal in the play “Three Unsent Letters” at the Virgin Labfest in CCP Complex and watching Transformers, I’ve got to watch the Transformers!  Plus, I was warned the former has some graphic scenes, and no self-respecting man would want to watch his friend’s public display of balls.  [Sorry, Al] Ma-shock pa si BebeKo mamaya at sabihing ‘Are those your kind of prens?’. 

The Transformers, like any Michael Bay film has the signature fusion of humor and action [like my peyborit ultimate laugh out movie Bad Boys II].  The point of views is a real crack up as one frame shows testosterone-charged Sam (Shia LaBeouf ) struggling to score over hot chick Mikaela (Megan Fox) then suddenly transitions to looming war games in Qatar between Scorponok (evil robot) and US soldiers.  Well, sex and war have same objective:  to score. The good robots in the movie are led by Optimus Prime, astig na pangalan kaso tunog gatas ng mga nag-uulyanin.  The decepticons or bad robots are led by master Megatron, no relations to ate Shawie pero parehong malaki ang panga.   

Transformers is the invasion of robots from planet Cybertron.  Mga bulalakaw silang nahuhulog galing kalawakan.  They’re called autobots because of their ability to adopt to an unfamiliar territory and their power to mimic features of any object they want and ‘transform’ it into an advanced fighting machine.   Isipin mo na lang kung dito nahulog sa Pinas ‘yung mga autobots na ‘yun.  Pag sa may bandang Quiapo nahulog at ginaya ’yung mga pirated DVDs dun, wala sigurong gagawin ’yung autobot na ’yun kundi magtatalon-talon.  Por life.  Kung sa may bandang Raon naman na sikat na bilihan ng mga synthethic crying vaginas [’yung pag dinudutdot mo ay humahalinghing], siguradong ang labas non ay isang advanced RoboPekpek – ang tagapagtanggol ng mga naaaping pekpek.  Lalamunin nya ang lahat ng mga manyak sa Metro Manila [which comprises of 95% of the male population, tayo naman ung upper 5%, hahaha!].  Kung si BumbleBee naman dito nahulog siguradong BumbleJeep ang kalalabasan nun, at pagpipilitan ng mga call center boys [‘yung mga taga-sigaw sa terminal ng jeep] na pagkasyahin ang tatlong dosenang pasahero.   

Sige kasya pa! Kasya pa!
[Kahit one-inch na lang ’yung natitirang space sasabihing kasya pa, tarantado talaga ’yang mga call center boys na ’yan].   

May emote scene din sa Transformers.  Nung pinagpira-piraso ni Megatron si Jazz – isang modified Pontiac Solstice in three-seconds, nalungkot ako bigla kasi kamukha ni Jazz si Hulog, ’yung  motor ko sa probinsiya.  Hulog ang tawag ko dun kasi hulugan in three years, saka hulog ng langit na din sa ’kin.  Dami na naming pinagsamahan nun. Kung paano ako nakakauwi ng bahay ng madaling araw kahit sobrang wasted na ako, I owe it to him.  Pag nagti-trip din akong mag-stargazing over a bottle of Red Horse sa Buntun Bridge, [second longest bridge sa Pinas] pede kong gawin anytime dahil always redi si Hulog.  Nag-email nga kahapon si Kuya, nakita daw niya si Mommy  umiiyak at hinahaplos-haplos si Hulog sa garahe.  Miss na din talaga ako ng Mommy ko.  Miss ko na silang lahat. 

Moral lesson ng movie is ‘There is more than meets the eye’.  Pag ginawa mo siyang bugtong, masasagot din ‘yan ng makulit kong pamangkin na si Duday.  Sasabihin no’n ay muta.  But seriousli, there are hidden meanings to a person or person’s act or way of life.  Kahit naman mukhang pokpok material si Mikaela (Fox) ay  maabilidad sa kotse.  Kaya di lahat ng may big boobs e walang brain cells.  Or something like that.


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Shrek Is A Pinoy Mongoloid

4 06 2007

Masarap din pala ang lasa ng ‘McShrek’, ‘yung royal ChickenNugget meal ng Mcdo.  Nung una, medyo pakipot pa akong tikman.  Kulay uhog kasi ‘yung mustard dip saka ‘yung bubble gum float  parang blue dye na nilalagay kapag may beke ka.  In perness, masarap ‘yung uhog maasim-asim at ‘yung float drink, lasang mouthwash parang katatapos mo pa lang magpalinis ng ipin.  The fears are all in the mind.  Sabay nood na rin ng  Shrek The Third sa Festival Mall kasama si BebeKo.  Pagpasok ko pa lang, sinalubong na ako ng smart ass chick na taga-punit ng ticket.  ‘Shrek?’, tanong sa akin na sinagot ko agad ng ‘Yes’.  Hagikhik si BebeKo.  ’Si Shrek ka daw’.  Bagal ko talaga pumik-ap ng humor, naisahan tuloy ako.  The airconditioning inside is friggin’ cold enough, pampatibay ng relasyong mag-asawa. 

Shrek The Third is the final installment of the story of a green ogre living in a swamp disturbed by fairy tale characters which King Farquaad drove off from the kingdom.  The last of the trilogy opens with the death of the frog king aka Shrek’s dad-in-law.  By default, Shrek is next in line to the throne.  Hesitant to be a king, he struggles to find young Arthur who is the other closest replacement to the throne being Princess Fiona’s cousin. Shrek The Third has come a long way from its prequels.  12 years after Dreamworks acquired this William Steig’s piece, it now boasts with the highest opening of an animated movie with $121 M gross.  Ito lang yata ang napanood kong Hollywood animation na ang bida ay mas masagwa pa sa almoranas ang itsura.  Alala ko tuloy nung nagsisimula pa lang si dadi Mike Enriquez bilang news anchor sa Saksi.  Tipong lalangawin ang news program pero ngayon unbeatable na sa rating.  Natuto ang mga tao na tumingin sa content rather than face value.  Remarkable din ang kanyang copyrighted line na ‘Mga kapusow esmyuski pow… hat – sing!’.  Yes my friends, pangit can also rule the world.   

Shrek by all standards is an anatomy of a pinoy man.  His nose could never rival the aquilinian nose of greek Gods, but still well-sculpted like an oversized kubrekama.  He attempts to smile innocently, but still looks like a manyak.  He feasts on bugs and insects like salagubang, tipaklong and alibangbang. Ha! Ha!  Very pinoy.   Shrek would never exchange his vermin-infested swamp to any other things in the world.  That’s the part I get misty-eyed, I remember my room in the prabins with its clutter and maggot-infested pizza bins.  Watching the movie was like watching ‘Reflections’ to me.   

Shrek though a family comedy has serious undertones.   Shrek struggles on the idea of becoming a family man.  Like a pinoy bachelor, he cannot be ready for that.  Parang ‘yung barkada kong si Reggie, ilang babae na ang kinabayo nun pero pag tatanungin mo kelan magse-settle down, bigla kang titignan ng catatonic look.  ‘Hindi pa ako ready, pre’.  Pre my ass.  Kung ilang babae na ang nabulag mo sa kawiwisik ng sperm, baka kulangin pa ang buhok ko sa kili-kili sa pagbilang. 

Shrek The Third features the voices of Mike Myers (Shrek), Cameron Diaz (Princes Fiona), Eddie Murphy (Donkey), Antonio Banderas (Puss in Boots) and Justin Timberlake (young King Arthur).


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Spider Man 3: Penis Innuendos and Kissing Scene on the Flipside

11 05 2007

Spider Man 3 is just like 1 and 2 made longer.  When I saw Sam Raimi’s name flashed onscreen as director of the last of his trilogy, I dreaded he may not be able to pull it again.  I was wrong.  Though the guy is crazy, he managed to place all the chaos in the storyline in its order.   

Parker struggles with his own demons with the coming of the black Spider suit.  Except for his unintentional slapping of MJ, I think Parker is cooler with his dark suit on.  He does John Travolta Saturday night fever moves, smacks the hideous photographer Eddie Brock, kills the Sandman, and puts Osborn on fire for being a cry-baby.  That’s what superhero is all about right?, killing bad people and whiners.   

The usual Raimi signatures are evident in the movie.  All his characters are always a bunch of physical imperfections.  I guess he puts character in the characters by distorting the physical.  The police, Osborn’s butler, Parker’s dorm manager, Flint Marko, hell everyone looks dysfunctional here except for newcomer Bryce Dallas Howard (from M.Night Shyamalan’s Lady in the Water) who’s role is to wear a smile and kiss Spiderman on the flipside.  If dating someone who looks like a fairy is normal to you, she passes up as the only normal character here.  The daughter of Parker’s dorm manager looks like an ambassador of malnutrition with the gaunt.  Parker’s usual big bug eye and MJ’s a little protruded lateral incisors are a feast to Sam Raimi’s fetishes.  Even Harry Osborn did not escape to Raimi’s god complex with his left face burned and frittered. 

Raimi also tries his ‘Three Stooges’ comedy antics in a scene where Parker is supposed to propose to MJ in the restaurant.  The restaurateur keeps on calling him ‘Pecker’ which drives the audience to laughter.  Very ‘Three Stooges’. 

The Spiderman creator has his cameo appearance in the movie (the scene before Parker is given the symbolic key to New York city).  How do I know?  I don’t.  If you place a bunch of intellectual twerps inside a movie theater, you overhear pop trivias like this from everywhere.  MyCompany paid the 6:30 – 10:00 pm block of Greenbelt 3 for the exclusive screening of its pa-pampam overly-intelligent employees.  And it’s a heaven when every moviegoer gets the punchline and laughing in unison.  You don’t always experience that in a movie theater.  Sometimes people laugh because others are laughing. 

There are two important lessons here.  One, even superheroes need emotional validation (Parker is always in his ‘O everyone loves me? Everyone loves me!’ self-reassurance).  And two, ‘To be a husband, you have to put your wife first in everything you do’. No, there’s no ‘Great power comes great responsibility’ sound byte here.  If you ask how does ‘To be a husband, you have to put your wife first’ fit in a spider movie?  I don’t know.  It’s just there.  You don’t believe me ?  Go watch the movie and find out yourselves.  Moron.


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